In any process, the total energy of the universe remains the same.

--First Law of Thermodynamics

Well, I did it again. This morning bright and early I dropped my Blackberry in the toilet at the meal program as soon as I got there. It was, aside from putting on and taking off a pair of earrings that didn't seem quite right, my first significant act of the day.

The twist, however, is that, although I always, always have my phone with me, even on late night Diet Coke and Good-n-Plenty runs, I actually reconsidered it this morning. Who's going to call at that hour? No one. If someone is having an emergency, I am not the person he or she would call, since unless it involves emergently needing a pair of used size-5 heels or the source for a line of poetry or an emergency brunoising of some carrots, I am going to be of no help whatsoever. I don't know how to change your tire, and I simply can't give remote hairstyle advice.

So I thought about it.

Then I thought, If I die between home and the soup kitchen I'm going to need the phone to call someone and let them know I've died. I'm stuck without it; I have to bring it. So I did, and so it ended up in the toilet.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise

Fascinatingly enough (or not), my reunion with the Blackberry occurred late Tuesday of last week. In all my excitement I might well have failed to notice, anyway, but had we renewed our vows the day previous instead, there would have been a three-hour interruption in our recommitment ceremony and ensuing celebration.

For me (and that I am alone in this perspective as in so many others is proven by the absurd furore this caused), a couple hours twice a year of uncertainty as to whether I have any incoming emails seems a manageable risk and tolerable cost when weighed against the other 8750-something other hours of instantly-updated connectivity. Moreover, that the outage's scope is attributable to the fact that all data sent by all Blackberry users, regardless of carrier, must pass through RIM's two network operations centers in Canada, makes me so happy I wish I could send money, flowers, and handwritten love notes to Research in Motion directly. Did last Monday's short-lived BB breakdown bring the US and global economies to a crushing, grinding halt? No. But I find the idea that thousands of advance-copy HR memos on new breakroom policies and rough-draft PowerPoint presentations from hemorrhoid-treatment salesmen had their full, momentous impact delayed because something went wrong in Waterloo terribly, terribly amusing.

'For everything you have missed,

you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.' (Emerson) Trite rubbish, of course, but I don't know any profound quotations about Blackberries by heart, and nothing in the text on either the BB or T-Mobile websites struck me as an uncannily profound opening for this bit, so we are stuck with me searching on a 'quotations' website for something marginally utile. So, Emerson it is; you can accept it (and 'lose something else!' thereby), or forgo this whole, dull posting and do something truly worthwhile, like reading some Merton or Jefferson, or listening for owls out in the woods.

Alright, praise God, the Blackberry is fine. The Blackberry is fine, and so is all of my so-called data, and so now when you call I will know who you are and answer the phone. Well, not the phone, of course, but the 'handheld,' the PDA, the 'device.' And maybe my knowing who you are will mean I will not answer the phone. But at least I will be making an informed decision.

In all my conversations with T-Mobile during this tedious ordeal terrifying crisis, it was only in the last two, after the Blackberry was once again cooing contentedly in my hands, that anyone mentioned there was such a thing as insurance for my device. The second time, after the person explained the basics of it (6 dollars a month gets you a replacement phone for 50 dollars or something in case of damage, theft, loss, or being me), I was daring enough to ask how long ago it was that this bold new idea was introduced. She or he let me know this was hardly a new idea, and that my telephone travails of the past many years could have had a quite different character had someone told me of this before...

Hmmm. I think it is like when I was sometimes having to spend three or four hundred extra dollars a month in overage charges: they see a good thing and don't want it to end, so no one makes a suggestion. Then, when I finally make a comment about it seeming like perhaps a change might be in order, I get a more perceptive one on the line who says he can't believe no

one ever called me and ran down the options before, that that's just crazy, that someone should have called, that he's never it wouldn't he can't understand why they. I suppose it's entirely conceivable that anyone looking at my records might just think I buy a lot of phones because I like change (--->). But if there are any notes somewhere on my account, 'stopped working after three months' and 'stolen with purse on ill-starred New Years Trip' have little to do with a zest for variety, even in the most generous or ESL-inspired reading.

At any rate, welcome home, little Blackberry. I have done the previously unthinkable and backed everything up. I have updated the software and loaded a picture of the neighbor's cat for the homescreen. I have read the NY Times on Opera, updated my Google Maps, added a new email account, deleted the 789 messages that were waiting to herald its rebirth, attempted anew to type coherent emails with enormous thumbs on microscopic keys, and had the pleasure of once again looking like an unrepentant Star Trek fan driving down the highway with a blinking light in my ear.

From now on I swear I will be a more careful and adept user. I will put the device in its little disabling holster when not in use so that neither my lipstick, purse lining, nor pointy hipbone on the other side of my coat pocket dials calls I don't intend. Second, now that I know what it is from the brief tutorial after the update download, I will use the 'escape' button located conveniently beneath the trackwheel (yes, it's an older model, because manifestly I can't be trusted with the newer ones) to exit screens I used to have to remove the battery to leave. I will keep the device synched to the computer and to reality to the greatest extent possible. I will not be reckless with battery life, and I will not cram SIM cards in past the point they should go. If I need to remove the SIM card and find I cannot, I will seek professional, or at least semi-professional, help. Torque will never be applied in the extraction or insertion of SIM cards. And lastly, I will endeavor to utilize Google Maps on the Blackberry in conjunction with GPS to preclude being three hours early, or one hour late, for anything ever again.